Ryan St. Germain

Tag Archive: Veronica

Seasons

The days are getting shorter now and the nights longer. It’s dark when I get up for work in the morning and there’s hardly a trace of the sun left in the sky when I get home. It’s getting too cold for the jacket that I wear, but I’m not ready to give it up because I love it and it fits me like a glove. The wind comes along and I turn in on myself and I like the struggle against the cold.

I said goodbye this week to Laila, who is on adventures of her own on the west coast. I said goodbye to Aurora too. The seasons have changed and summer is gone and with it the days of loving from a distance. It felt heavy to let them go, but it was the right thing to do for them and for myself. I know who I am and it’s not someone who can love part time from afar. I know who they are too and I’ve no expectation of flowers blooming out of season.

Veronica and I went on a little road trip today, leaving work early together. We drove far outside of the city talking about sex and love and how removed the golden fields that we passed felt from the part of the city we live in. I snapped pictures of pink leaves against grey skies and I had no doubt that summer was over. I hugged her goodbye before I slid out of her car and into the rain. Cars were lined up, stopped in traffic at the corner near my apartment and I looked at our her though my own reflection in the glass for half a moment after the door closed between us. I crossed the street behind her and her car hadn’t moved when I looked back over my shoulder.

I took the elevator up the handful of floors and glanced out of the window just outside of it when the doors opened. The sky was dark, the sun having gone, but stretched out below me lights flickered and glowed for as far as I could see. Autumn isn’t a day on a calendar to me, it’s a feeling like the one that I had today. It’s rain against the windows, leaves falling from the trees and the appreciation for the light of day when you realize it doesn’t linger for nearly as long any more. Seasons change and summer is over, but I always knew that it wouldn’t last forever.

Des Amours d’Été

Summer seemed to resurface in September and then vanish again overnight. The unseasonably warm weather broke last weekend when fall finally arrived and I’ve been enjoying cooler evenings this week. I sat in front of the open window last night, thinking about how I’d spent the past few months and I realized that it was nothing like I might have imagined for myself. I lived my life very differently this summer than I have in the past and with the turning of the seasons I’m looking back and looking forward, gauging where I’ve been and where I’m headed next.

Aurora reappeared and is now a part of my life quite unlike anything I expected. We’ve gone from hating each other to being wary of each other to suddenly being fixtures in each others lives. I’m not sure what the future holds for us and we are both reluctant to define anything, but we are happy to be a part of each others lives again. She called on me the other day after having a mishap with another lover and I was happy to be there for her as she is for me when I’m feeling troubled. I think we’ve both surprised each other with an unexpected tenderness between us after so many years of tension.

Hannah and Harper where both gone as abruptly as they appeared in my life. Hannah I knew wouldn’t be able to live with what I do for a living, so that came as no surprise. Nor was it that the thin thread holding Daniel, Harper and I together would snap once Laila was gone. The damage was done the night of Laila’s going away and despite one last-ditch effort to fix the tension that bloomed out of it, there wasn’t enough reason for us to do anything other than say goodbye.

Laila moved away just as we were really growing close and though we’ve spoken every day since, I can feel the miles between us. We text or Skype as often as we can, but she’s off living a different life in a different place and it isn’t always easy to find the time for each other three times zones apart.

Arianna and I settled into friendship, supporting each other via text as we both have our own adventures. Neither of us was really all that ready to start seeing someone seriously when we met; she is unsure about continuing with polyamory and I’ve been seeing other people. We aren’t in the same place in our lives, but we can understand and relate to each others situations which makes for some fantastic conversations that are incredibly open and honest. We have plans to see each other this weekend and I’m looking forward to it.

There is someone else that I’ve been sort of seeing too. Someone that I’m cautiously optimistic about, but haven’t yet written a word about yet. Someone that makes sense in my life and who is beautiful and adventurous and strange in just the right way.

“I’ve got a girl for you” Veronica texted me from Greece while they were on vacation together. I was a little reluctant, but Veronica knows me so well and I trust her implicitly.  I might not have given the time of day to someone else wanting to fix me up, but I listened to her and I’m glad that I did because It’s her friend that I’ve sort of been seeing.

Veronica’s friend and I have gone on a few dates and messaged each other to share stories and pictures of our travels while we were both away. She curled up next to me and fell asleep on my couch while we watched a movie the day before she left and it felt comfortable and right.

The one cause for concern that I have with her is that while she knows what my role is presently in adult entertainment, we’ve yet to have the talk about my time performing. I’m not certain how well that will be received and I’ve gotten the impression that she might have made relationship choices before based on the connections to politics her family.  Veronica has told me to worry about it later, but I’ll be happier when it’s out in the open because I’ve been down roads like this one before.

I didn’t lose sight of myself during the course of this summer, but I’ve made an effort to be more aware of the way that I perceive and deal with many things. I needed a little distance from the recent past in order to have better perspective on myself and what I needed and wanted of others. In the year before I found myself guarding a wounded heart in a way that wasn’t good for me or those around me. I became the rock that waves break against, when all that I really wanted was the ocean.

Here I find myself in late September, thinking about the blur of summer days that are now gone. I’m waiting for the leaves to fall, watching them as they turn red and gold before the branches that they grow from let them go. I can feel a change of season coming in me too.

Fall

Take Care

Saturday night I had plans with Laila. We were to meet after she spent the day with her father and his girlfriend, who were in from out of town. Polyamory created a strange situation in that they would spend the night at Laila and Daniels apartment (sleeping together in his room), unaware that she’s seeing multiple people. She apologized for not introducing them while they were in town, but I understood her reasons why. Still though, it felt a little strange not to meet them and I was a tad bit jealous.

I spent the day instead talking Arianna, who is someone new that I met via a dating app.  It’s a new one that I decided to give a try, where women are the first to speak if there is a match. She was my first match and she messaged me almost immediately, starting a conversation that flowed easily over the previous few days.  We exchanged numbers and texted about bad movies so I asked her if she would go see one on Sunday and she agreed.

Arianna is ‘age appropriate’, which is one of Veronica’s more amusing judgements of suitability, because we’ve both dated people who were, perhaps, too young for us. When either of us is seeing someone who is close in age, we congratulate the other with that phrase.

Arianna and I have both lived in New York and New Orleans and spent extended time in Paris, so we had plenty to talk about and a lot in common. We also strangely lived in those places at the same time making this the third. ‘Our twice missed connection’ is how she put it.

I fell asleep on the couch Saturday night waiting for Laila and woke up not feeling all that great. The fact that I napped should have been a warning sign that something was amiss, especially when coupled with the possibility of Laila being exposed to a hit-and-miss strain of strep throat. Even though I was under the weather (and not much fun) She decided to stay the night.  We laid on the couch watching a movie together as she ran her fingers back and forth over the freshly shaved side of my head. I laid my head in her lap and faded in and out as she played with my hair, the movie becoming white noise in my hazy stare of mind.

She came to bed with me and stayed close, fretting over me as I tossed and turned my way through a fever and chills. The next morning she went out and got croissant and fresh fruit for breakfast and got all the things to make a lemon tea that she knows is good for the throat. It was very sweet of her and I appreciated the lengths that she was going to in order to take care of me. It’s rare that I’ve had that in my life and honestly I’m not always comfortable with it. I’m a particularly willful creature and it certainly says something about my feelings for a person if I’m willing to let them do things for me.

Laila stayed with me most of Sunday, curled up next to me on the couch offering to do things for me as I let the day slip away. I was a little sad to have to text Arianna and tell her I couldn’t make it to the movies with her, but luckily she was understanding and was willing to reschedule. Laila put another movie on and I slept on and off, one hand holding her foot. I opened my eyes once or twice and saw the sun glowing in the reflection of the building across the street, marking in my mind the hours that had passed and how many remained in the day.

When it was time for her to go, I walked her to the door and hugged her goodbye.

“I can tell you aren’t feeling well, because that was the gentlest hug you ever gave me!” she said, referring to the fact that I typically hug like I mean it.

She waved as she rounded the corner and I poked my head out of the door to catch the last glimpse of her as she slipped out of sight. Stepping back inside I closed the door gently, turning the lock as I thought about everything that she’d done for me.  Back on the couch, I wrapped my arms around one of the pillows and I drifted feverishly off to sleep again.

Summer

“What is your style of flirting like?”, I asked Veronica as we laid out under the sun.

“What do you mean?” she asked, smiling shyly.

Veronica is a very confident woman and we’d been talking about my flirting with someone else, so I was very curious about her and how she let someone know she’s interested. It’s unusual for her to be bashful, which just made me all the more curious.

“I think it just sort of comes out naturally in me most of the time, though sometimes I’ll get a bit sarcastic and give a guy a hard time.”

“You like the push and pull? I can see that.” I answered and I definitely could.

“I’m very different in a relationship though. I can come off as a bit of a hard ass, but really when I’m in it, I want a guy to hold the door for me and I’ll curl up into a little ball when I cuddle. Ask my ex’s who really know me and they’d tell you how different I am” she said and I could see that too.

She and I work together and we’ve been friends for some time now. We know each others secrets, even some of the deeper, darker ones. Every now and then the tone of our conversations borders on flirtatious, but we’ve kept that in check as we wouldn’t want to risk ruining anything. We live nearer to each other now that I’ve moved and she gave me places in the neighborhood to go by myself as well as places to take the girl I’ve been seeing. She asked me a bit about polyamory too, so I told her how that was unfolding.

“On Sunday I’ll help her move into her boyfriends place. His other girlfriend will be helping too. She joked about having her harem in one place” I told her.

“Good for her!” she said and thought about it for a moment.”Do you ever find it strange?”

“It’s pretty new, but so far it works.”

We finished the bottle of champagne and went our separate ways, but I feel closer to Veronica after this afternoon and I’m happy to have her as a friend.