Posts tagged ‘orion’

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November 6, 2011

Genderqueer

Gender identity has fascinated me for as long as I can remember. I don’t really subscribe to the conventions of gay/straight/bisexual and if you asked me to give you a simple answer regarding my own sexuality, I don’t think I could.  It wouldn’t be because there’s any confusion, I just feel attraction in a way that doesn’t really fit neatly into a column you could tick off on a survey.

Orion* and I have had a lot of very interesting conversations about the idea of unorthodox sexual identity including a very frank discussion about my father and the suspicion that  he hasn’t come to terms with himself, his sexuality and very possibly his gender identity. During one such conversation, Orion brought up the fact that she’s going forward with a legal name change, which she feels is the next big step forward in the claiming of her gender identity. It opened up a few questions, the answers to which I thought my readers might find interesting. I’ve written about  Orion* quite a bit and while I’ve alluded to the fact that she identifies as genderqueer, I haven’t really explored that topic at great length here . I started with a few basic questions and these were Orion’s answers:

How do you identify your own gender?

Masculine gender queer. I started off feeling like a butch lesbian, but that’s evolved. I identify as both male and female, but more masculine. And in certain situations I try to live as a male.

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July 10, 2011

Blush

It’s been the topic of conversation lately; blushing. We discussed it while sitting around the table at the strip club we frequent on Tuesday nights. Some of the people at the table are known to blush instantly at the slightest provocation; others are known to do so only rarely, in exceptional circumstances. Mina blushes often, though she’ll deny it’s happening in mock protestation. The Brit was with us and he blushes all the time, but he also laughs just as easily, just as frequently. Orion rarely blushes, although when one of the waitresses told her that she had gotten herself off thinking about her, she blushed hard. I can’t remember when the last time I blushed was.

Mina and I, back home in bed, talked about the things that we thought about that turned us on when we have moments alone.  Neither of us are really into another person getting into bed with us, but that doesn’t mean we haven’t thought it through. I’ve thought about making her come while she makes another woman come and I have to admit that the idea has its appeal for me. I suppose that what I should really have said was that neither of us are interested in the complications that having another person involved would bring, but we both find merit in the idea of it. When I told her about the two very distinct circumstances that I’ve considered what that would be like (prefaced with “on paper”), she told me it was very appealing (on paper) and she blushed brightly enough that I could tell that her cheeks were pink even in the dark, though I didn’t want to ruin the moment by mentioning it. Her hands rose to her cheeks and I knew that she knew she was blushing by their warmth, but we both let it go.

What makes you blush?

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October 12, 2010

Strange

My idea of normal is probably your idea of strange, so when I say things got a little weird, you can trust that I’m already grading on a substantial curve.

Things got a little weird.

I’ve been spending a little more time with Eve, becoming friends with her again in the way that we’ve been in the past. We drift apart every now and then, but find each other again before long. We dated for a little while and have remained friends. I’m usually good about that; remaining friends even after a breakup. Eve is good about it too and I value her friendship a great deal.

She came to my house before her show so that she could use the internet. I went down stairs to let her in and followed behind her on the way back up, which afforded me a beautiful view. She didn’t stay for very long, but we talked about life, love and trouble in a way that makes the weight of those things seem more amusing and less serious.

Later in the evening I went to Eve’s show and Kitten was there. I was surprised to see her because she and Eve aren’t really getting along all that well. We didn’t sit together during the show because she’d arrived late. When the show ended and I was talking to Eve, Kitten said hello. Things seemed strained, so I went to the front of bar and sat, where they both eventually joined me, along with some of the other Burlesque performers. We made plans and then Eve and I left.

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October 7, 2010

Smile like you mean it

She hugged me, took my face in her hands for a moment before we sat down, she in my lap. She’s tiny and rests gently against me, barely leaving the impression that she’s there. Her hair is long and dark, her eye’s are smoky, her skin is pale. She’s very pretty; I’ve always thought so. She has an accent that’s unmistakably southern and I find it endearing. In the past, we had a brief moment of flirtation that we both knew was destined to go nowhere because of her complicated relationship and the fact that along the way I’d found someone who’d captured my attention.

She ran her fingers through my hair and was affectionate, but in a slightly different way than she normally was; not really more so or less so, but differently. She leaned in so I could hear her over the music and the people in the  strip club and she whispered into my ear “I got married today”. I knew she’d gotten engaged when her boyfriend came back into her life, but I suppose I sort of thought because of some of the things she’d said that maybe, well…I wondered if it would ever happen.

I looked into her face and her expression seemed to be rooted in ache. She smoothed my hair down from where her fingers had been in it. I offered my congratulations and wished her well, which I’m not sure was what she really wanted me to say, but I thought it the right thing in that moment.

Orion and the friends I spend every Tuesday with were already gone; I’d arrived late after seeing a show and they’d moved on to a gay bar, which is always our second stop of the night. I’d meet with them later and they would tell me that Trouble had been in poor shape when they saw her, which just made me worry about her more after it was too late for me to do anything about it.

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September 29, 2010

Vox

“Your win for the day is that you sound like Tom Waits” said the message from Jett that came after we’d spoken on the phone. She was referring to the gravelly remnants of the voice I’d lost the night before. As is often the case with the universe, you lose your voice and suddenly the phone rings constantly…

Before I’d lost my voice, I had a colorful conversation with Justine Cross about relationships and how and when to tell people that we are interested in what we do for a living (as soon as possible was the conclusion) . She’d come to visit recently and we hadn’t had the time to talk seriously, so it was good to chat with her (I do adore her).

I saw Trouble while at the usual weekly strip club outing with Orion and the usual consorts. As I walked past her I said hello, hugged her as the girl standing next to her told me that she liked the photographs I’d taken of her. She came kissed me on the cheek later, planting herself in my lap for a brief moment so she could say hello. I was already losing my voice, so I wasn’t much of a conversationalist, but it was good to see her.

I called it an early night and walked the long walk home to my new apartment, thinking about Mina along the way. We’ve  inched back together, she and I, closing the distance that was between us for a moment. Talking to her has really become something of an addiction lately, particularly because of how often it leads to me smiling, daydreaming…

I’ve been talking with Hailey Young about having her back to shoot again. She released the scene that we shot together last year and is back to regular production for her own site. We’ll have to discuss what she’d like to shoot though, since I’m not really performing anymore. I’m waiting on a replacement for my camera still, which circled the drain while I shot with Aaliyah Love the last time so that’ll probably be the determining factor as Hailey and I have a long history of being able to sort it all out.

Between the move and the people in my life, I’ve been keeping busy to say the least. I wouldn’t have it any other way though; I’ve never been happier with the life that I’m leading than I am right now.

Hailey Young

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September 19, 2010

At week’s end

It’s Sunday morning and i’m laying in bed, listening to the passing cars, the clopping hooves of the mules that draw carriages as they round the corner. The voices of the maids on the balcony across from mine are sharp as they shout out the progress of their cleaning efforts for the bed and breakfast that’s empty now, judging from the number of honking cabs that I’ve heard coming to whisk people away all morning long.

My Saturday started with packing, led to a break and my weekly visit to the naked pool. More packing gave way to a night with out-of-town friends at the Foundation Room for a burlesque show. I grabbed a bite to eat after they’d gone to bed, sitting at the bar at my favorite greasy spoon instead of at a table because it allowed me to talk to the bartender about her recent travels abroad. She told me she was happy that I’d dined in instead of taking my food to go as I usually did and when she brought the bill I noticed that she’d learned my name because it was printed on the order.

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September 16, 2010

The other man

I sat with Orion, who is the female version of me in that we dress very similarly, have slightly similar taste in women and attitudes about relationships. Orion has become one of my best friends lately; the two of us acting as sounding boards for the other when it comes to relationships. Somewhere along the way, we’ve started spending a lot of time together.

Charlotte and I had been discussing via text what we wanted from life. I told her that I wanted adventures like  Hemingway, with Anais Nin’s perspective. I told Orion this and she said “I’ll be your Fitzgerald”.

Along with another friend (The birthday girl) we go to bars, restaurants, and of course strip clubs together at least three or four times a week. Maybe more. We compare the differences in gender identity and how it’s less frequent now that people subscribe to labels about their sexuality. I find myself wishing I’d been able to introduce Orion to Buck Angel because I think that Buck, being the amazing person that he is, would be the sort of role model that would make Orion even more secure in who s(he) is.  Not that Orion lacks confidence, but there’s solidarity in identifying with others who are as unique as you.

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