November 10, 2010
Feast or Famine
“I just need a minute” she said as she looked away from me.
She sat on my lap, talking about her significant other and I told her about how things were finally starting to work out between myself and the woman I’d been wanting.
“I thought I’d be happy for you when you finally found someone, don’t get me wrong, I am. It’s just….”
A few weeks earlier she’d been on stage and a song came on as I watched her dance. I sing the lyrics to myself and when she looked at me, she was doing the same.
“He’s everything you want , he’s everything you need, he’s everything inside of you that you wish you could be
He says all the right things at exactly the right time, but he means nothing to you and you don’t know why”
The song was more than ten years old and not at all what I’d expected to hear in a Nola strip club. We caught each other singing along and we both looked away. As she sat on my lap, looking at me, it came on again. We both realized it at almost the same time and we looked away again. Her body was resting against mine and she occasionally would work her hands into the back of my hair, but we were silent for ages.
We had the “what if” conversation, telling each other how it might have been instead of what it is now. We did shots of whiskey and became more open as they warmed us up. The levity of the “what if’s” hit us both and eventually we stopped talking about them and changed the subject. She told me that she was buying a house, I told her that I’d started aerial training. We’d talked about shooting together again and I told her I would try and pair her with Natalie Laveaux who is coming to town in December.
I leaned in close and whispered in her ear “We would have been good together, if things had worked out differently”.
“..Would have been..” she repeated, laughing just a little and she looked away again playing nervously with her own hair.
She was called to stage and said she’d be back, but she vanished when a customer requested her and I returned my attention to the five people with me who were welcoming me back to the group with smiles and questions as to what had been happening. I saw her disappear upstairs and so I sent her a message wishing her a good rest of the night before I got up and walked out. I’d wanted to say goodbye but it seemed just as well if I didn’t wait to do it.
I walked down Bourbon street, thinking about how it when it comes to love and affection my life is always feast or famine.
January 2, 2010
Making a scene
Natalie Laveaux
She was a lovely creature that I met while she was working as a PA for a porn star that I was shooting with. She had a fiery personality, which I of course adored, so I was happy when she inquired about shooting with me. She would watch me quietly, looking me directly in the face as I ran the ropes across her body, tied her limbs into place.
We had a conversation about making a scene in public places (intentionally or otherwise) as I drove her to her car. She was s parked in front of a drugstore nearby and we lingered about talking for a while. I said goodbye and she jumped on me, wrapped her legs around my waist and kissed me on the cheek before saying “now we’ve made a scene” . She got in her car, waved and drove away. I looked toward the glass doors of the store, somewhat puzzled and saw the security guard was watching, smiling, shaking his head.
October 23, 2009
This is Natalie Laveaux, who came to me a few years ago working as an assistant to an adult film star, wanting some photo’s of her own done to start getting modeling work. I ended up working with her on a regular basis until she moved away (and then so did I). She’s still one of my favorites.