Ryan St. Germain

Tag Archive: Laila

Histoire d’Amour

I spent the summer loving openly and honestly, trying for the first time to love and be loved by more than one person at a time. I realized that my relationship with Emily left me jaded about the notion of monogamy and I turned to something else entirely in hopes of not repeating the same mistakes. Polyamory was something I’d toyed with the notion of in the past, but I learned a lot about myself in the process and confirmed a thing or two about myself in pursuit of it this summer.

I have a new appreciation for some aspects of polyamory, but the biggest thing that I learned this summer is that it isn’t for me. Maybe I’m a bit old-fashioned in this regard, but I would rather hold out for that one person that I’ll be able to spend the rest of my life with and share everything with than to share pieces of myself with different people. I’m grateful for the time I spent with Laila and Aurora and I see the ways in which polyamory suits them, but I could see the outlying boundaries of our relationships and I wanted more than what was possible with them non-monogamously and from a distance. The moment of confirmation of this for me, was the day my grandmother had a heart attack and I had to leave for the weekend unexpectedly to go see her I couldn’t get ahold of either of them; they were both on dates with new people, which there was nothing wrong with, but I could never get the notion out of my head after that either of them was more than a friend that I happened to sleep with when we are in the same city at the same time.

The conversation in the car made me realize I’m not looking for friends with benefits either. I want something real, something lasting, something in the here and now that I can look forward to growing as it unfolds. I don’t know how to love part-time. I don’t know how to love in pockets or corners or between the lines. I almost envy those that can, but it isn’t me and it won’t ever be. I know myself, perhaps now better than ever, having tried something that I’d always wondered about and confirming what I knew to be true about myself. I can say with confidence that an open relationship isn’t what I want. I want one love; big and bold and occasionally messy, but above all, true.


The days are getting shorter now and the nights longer. It’s dark when I get up for work in the morning and there’s hardly a trace of the sun left in the sky when I get home. It’s getting too cold for the jacket that I wear, but I’m not ready to give it up because I love it and it fits me like a glove. The wind comes along and I turn in on myself and I like the struggle against the cold.

I said goodbye this week to Laila, who is on adventures of her own on the west coast. I said goodbye to Aurora too. The seasons have changed and summer is gone and with it the days of loving from a distance. It felt heavy to let them go, but it was the right thing to do for them and for myself. I know who I am and it’s not someone who can love part time from afar. I know who they are too and I’ve no expectation of flowers blooming out of season.

Veronica and I went on a little road trip today, leaving work early together. We drove far outside of the city talking about sex and love and how removed the golden fields that we passed felt from the part of the city we live in. I snapped pictures of pink leaves against grey skies and I had no doubt that summer was over. I hugged her goodbye before I slid out of her car and into the rain. Cars were lined up, stopped in traffic at the corner near my apartment and I looked at our her though my own reflection in the glass for half a moment after the door closed between us. I crossed the street behind her and her car hadn’t moved when I looked back over my shoulder.

I took the elevator up the handful of floors and glanced out of the window just outside of it when the doors opened. The sky was dark, the sun having gone, but stretched out below me lights flickered and glowed for as far as I could see. Autumn isn’t a day on a calendar to me, it’s a feeling like the one that I had today. It’s rain against the windows, leaves falling from the trees and the appreciation for the light of day when you realize it doesn’t linger for nearly as long any more. Seasons change and summer is over, but I always knew that it wouldn’t last forever.

Des Amours d’Été

Summer seemed to resurface in September and then vanish again overnight. The unseasonably warm weather broke last weekend when fall finally arrived and I’ve been enjoying cooler evenings this week. I sat in front of the open window last night, thinking about how I’d spent the past few months and I realized that it was nothing like I might have imagined for myself. I lived my life very differently this summer than I have in the past and with the turning of the seasons I’m looking back and looking forward, gauging where I’ve been and where I’m headed next.

Aurora reappeared and is now a part of my life quite unlike anything I expected. We’ve gone from hating each other to being wary of each other to suddenly being fixtures in each others lives. I’m not sure what the future holds for us and we are both reluctant to define anything, but we are happy to be a part of each others lives again. She called on me the other day after having a mishap with another lover and I was happy to be there for her as she is for me when I’m feeling troubled. I think we’ve both surprised each other with an unexpected tenderness between us after so many years of tension.

Hannah and Harper where both gone as abruptly as they appeared in my life. Hannah I knew wouldn’t be able to live with what I do for a living, so that came as no surprise. Nor was it that the thin thread holding Daniel, Harper and I together would snap once Laila was gone. The damage was done the night of Laila’s going away and despite one last-ditch effort to fix the tension that bloomed out of it, there wasn’t enough reason for us to do anything other than say goodbye.

Laila moved away just as we were really growing close and though we’ve spoken every day since, I can feel the miles between us. We text or Skype as often as we can, but she’s off living a different life in a different place and it isn’t always easy to find the time for each other three times zones apart.

Arianna and I settled into friendship, supporting each other via text as we both have our own adventures. Neither of us was really all that ready to start seeing someone seriously when we met; she is unsure about continuing with polyamory and I’ve been seeing other people. We aren’t in the same place in our lives, but we can understand and relate to each others situations which makes for some fantastic conversations that are incredibly open and honest. We have plans to see each other this weekend and I’m looking forward to it.

There is someone else that I’ve been sort of seeing too. Someone that I’m cautiously optimistic about, but haven’t yet written a word about yet. Someone that makes sense in my life and who is beautiful and adventurous and strange in just the right way.

“I’ve got a girl for you” Veronica texted me from Greece while they were on vacation together. I was a little reluctant, but Veronica knows me so well and I trust her implicitly.  I might not have given the time of day to someone else wanting to fix me up, but I listened to her and I’m glad that I did because It’s her friend that I’ve sort of been seeing.

Veronica’s friend and I have gone on a few dates and messaged each other to share stories and pictures of our travels while we were both away. She curled up next to me and fell asleep on my couch while we watched a movie the day before she left and it felt comfortable and right.

The one cause for concern that I have with her is that while she knows what my role is presently in adult entertainment, we’ve yet to have the talk about my time performing. I’m not certain how well that will be received and I’ve gotten the impression that she might have made relationship choices before based on the connections to politics her family.  Veronica has told me to worry about it later, but I’ll be happier when it’s out in the open because I’ve been down roads like this one before.

I didn’t lose sight of myself during the course of this summer, but I’ve made an effort to be more aware of the way that I perceive and deal with many things. I needed a little distance from the recent past in order to have better perspective on myself and what I needed and wanted of others. In the year before I found myself guarding a wounded heart in a way that wasn’t good for me or those around me. I became the rock that waves break against, when all that I really wanted was the ocean.

Here I find myself in late September, thinking about the blur of summer days that are now gone. I’m waiting for the leaves to fall, watching them as they turn red and gold before the branches that they grow from let them go. I can feel a change of season coming in me too.


Fête d’Adieu

I’d slept for just a little over an hour in two days when I got home from New Orleans and Laila’s going away party was just a few hours after my touchdown. I was in a haze as I spoke to the woman next to me on the plane, as I collected my bags, as I climbed in a cab to go back to my apartment.

When I got home, I emptied my suitcase and started a load of laundry, counting the number of munutes before I’d have to leave again. I had just enough time to shut my eyes for half of an hour and laying across my bed in the afternoon sun, I fell asleep fast and hard. I hit snooze twice when my alarm went off and then forced myself out of bed and into the shower, where I found that my hot water heater was out again. The spray of cold water helped wake me up as I shivered and washed away the feeling of airports and travel.

Laila texted me that she was running late for her own party and that she’d meet me at my apartment on the way to Daniels and we could go together from there. We grabbed a cab and caught up on the way, not having seen each other in a week.

Laila had been gone the weekend before and was leaving again the next day on another short trip for a friend’s wedding. We had just that night to see each other before she left town for the weekend and then a couple of days when she got back on Sunday before she left again, possibly for good.

Laila is moving to San Francisco to take classes in coding and she’s had this plan for almost as long as I’ve known her. She might be gone for a few months or she might be gone for good, it all depends on how well things work out for her there. She’ll be staying with another one of her partners while she’s there figuring it all out.

We were the first to arrive at Daniel’s and the three of us set to work in the kitchen chopping and peeling vegetables for dinner. Laila was making a vegetarian shepherds pie, so I chopped beets and sweet potatoes while she sliced cucumbers; all of it happening in the warmth of the kitchen while I moved back and forth between states of lucidity and what felt like dreaming. The sound of the knife on the cutting board, the whirring of fan blades and their soft voices speaking sweetly to one another as summer crept through the open door all made my head swim just a little.

“Aren’t you supposed to be on another continent or something?” Harper asked, being the next to arrive.

“I was in New Orleans and I just got back tonight” I explained and she was gone again.

I found myself alone in the kitchen for a moment, slicing vegetables and thinking that it might be the last time that I saw any of the people who were there. Laila was the common thread and in my sleepless state it felt a bit like that thread was unravelling.

Others arrived, none of whom I’d really met before and all of them were colourful, interesting people. It can certainly be said that Laila’s life is as interesting and vibrant as she is. Everyone gathered in the kitchen to talk as Laila and Daniel made dinner and laid out the things her friends had brought for the pot luck.

The topic of conversation moved from sci-fi to philosophy to porn and in some moments I was too quiet, while in others I spoke too much. In my sleepless state I stepped carelessly on something Daniel was saying while giving my insight on a company that I don’t particularly care for in adult entertainment. I felt at times like I was dreaming and was often speaking before I realized that I was.

It was a good night and as people said their goodbye’s to Laila, I stayed in the kitchen and started to clean up not wanting to be in the way. I rinsed dishes and cleared the table as the conversation continued in the next room. While standing at the sink, I saw Harper coming back into the kitchen in search of another drink and I tuned off the water, listening to the drip slow as she approached.

She picked up the spatula and offered me a taste of the shepherd’s pie, which I hesitated to take, before giving in and taking a bite.

“You have a lot of shame, doesn’t you?” she asked and I laughed.

I couldn’t tell if she really believed it or she was trying to get me to argue to the contrary, but the fact remained that I felt no shame standing there with her.

We went together into the next room, but Laila and Daniel seemed to be deep in conversation, so Harper turned me around and we headed back into the kitchen.

“Let’s let them have their moment” she said.

I passed her and went back to the table to wipe it down and when I turned to go back to the sink, she attempted to get me to stop what I was doing by putting her hands on my chest and pushing me back toward the door. I let her move me at first before I dug in and stopped her. She was tipsy and I didn’t want things to get out of hand, so I was trying not to be too rough. She taunted me once, twice as she pushed against me and then I had her wrists in my hands and was backing her across the room until we hit the washing machine. She fought against me, insisting she could overcome me and then told me she hated that I was stronger than she thought I would be. We were incredibly close and the more she struggled the tighter I held her, pinning both of her wrists in one hand.

“I’m not going to kiss you!” she proclaimed.

“Who said that was even on the table? That’s awfully presumptuous of you” I answered, scolding softly but meaning it.

“I saw the look in your eyes”. she said, though she was doing her best not to let hers meet mine.

Whether I wanted to kiss her or not was irrelevant because we were at Laila’s going away and I was standing in her boyfriend’s kitchen. Being in an open relationship doesn’t mean there aren’t boundaries and I wasn’t going to test them just then, no matter how many of my buttons Harper pushed.

“Let me go please” she said and I did immediately. “Thank you” she quietly but firmly replied.

She eyed me with smiling contempt and I wondered what it was that she was hoping to provoke me into doing or if she even knew at all. It felt like there was a reason, but perhaps in my exhaustion I was looking too hard for one.

“You aren’t switchy at all, are you?” she asked.

“No” I responded and she looked a little disappointed.

Daniel came back into the room then and I used it as an excuse to go find Laila. Standing in the doorway to Laila’s bedroom watching her pack, Harper passed behind me more than once, patting me on the top of the head condescendingly on one pass, so I turned around and did the same to her. Laila shot us a curious look and then the moment was past.

Laila gathered up her things and we were ready to leave, so she went to say goodbye to Daniel and Harper. Harper left them to it, walking toward me in the doorway and while Laila and Daniel were behind her, she smacked me in the face before giving me a hug goodbye.

I laughed, finding it entirely ridiculous that she’d done it and I could see over her should the look of uncertainty on Daniel’s face about what had just happened; he’d heard it but not seen it. The warmth of her hand print on my face and the vague ringing in my ears were bringing me back to the present and while I wouldn’t dream of letting most people get away with something like that, I smiled at Harper and she smiled back. I wrapped my arms around her in goodbye and she felt waifish and ethereal.

I was dreaming on my feet then; I felt wide awake but nothing seemed real. I hugged Daniel goodbye too and Laila and I headed back to my place to spend the night. The next afternoon she was catching a bus to go to a friend’s wedding and the plan was to spend the night and the next morning together before she left. There weren’t many days left for us and I was grateful for the time that remained.

On the cab ride home I sat close to Laila, watching as the car cut quickly through the streets. I looked at houses and street signs and lights as it occurred to me that I’d started the day in an entirely different place, surrounded by different people and living what felt like a vastly different life. The car windows were down and the breeze was in my face as little drops of rain splattered me and I found everything terribly amusing just then. Laila took my hand in hers and I looked at her beautiful smile, happy to know her, happy to have her, happy to be with her.


“Inside I still feel like the 23 year old that wanted to be your fuck toy” she said, her eyes a little wild and a little lost.

We have a long often tumultuous history, Aurora and I. We’ve spent as much time being enemies as we have being friends and only in the last few years have we been able to stand to be in each others presence.

Six or seven years ago, we had a very strong attraction and Aurora first presented the idea to her boyfriend at the time that she wanted their relationship to be open and more specifically, that she had an interest in me. Admittedly at the time I wasn’t sure how I felt about polyamory and the situation imploded spectacularly when (I learned much later on) her boyfriend gave his permission to her and then told me something entirely different. I felt betrayed and misled by Aurora, particularly because her boyfriend was a friend. He gave me the impression that she’d been dishonest and I was furious with her about it. She got the impression that I’d just played a game to see if I could get her to do it and she hated me too.

New Orleans is a small place and when you have the same circle of friends, it can feel even smaller. There was a palpable tension in the air after that and we couldn’t stand to be around each other. We were all in a band together and I stopped going to performances when I knew she’d be there. When we were forced to be in the same room, the animosity was undeniable and one or the other of us would find a reason to leave as soon as possible.

A few years ago while I was visiting New Orleans, we ran into each other and agreed to meet and talk. It was then that we discovered that we might both have been mislead by the same person and that we’d wasted years loathing each other. Even then, we were both a little reluctant to believe it and we harbored some distrust that would take us until recently to let go of. There was a sense of danger in talking to her that meant we kept a respectable distance while we decided if we really could trust one another again. I didn’t always mention to her that I was coming to town on some of my previous trips to New Orleans and I only told her last-minute that I’d be there this trip, feeling that maybe it was time to really put the past behind us.

She messaged me on Facebook days before my trip and we added each other as friends there, eventually trading phone numbers so we could text instead. She offered me a lift from the airport, but I declined, not sure I was be ready to see her and wanting to get acclimated to being back in New Orleans for at least a few days before I did. It wasn’t until the day before I supposed to leave that we finally made plans to see one another and even then I wasn’t sure entirely what to expect.

We agreed to meet for lunch at a Mediterranean place on Frenchman street and I took something of a farewell walk through the French Quarter on my way to see her. It was hot outside, even with the overcast skies, and I could smell the rain looming somewhere in the distance. I hadn’t seen her in almost two years when I spotted her through the window, standing close to the door. Her hair was shorter than when I’d seen her last and it has vibrant pink streaks in it now. Being face to face to her the familiar feeling of danger crept up on me but it was accompanied by fascination, which I hadn’t let myself feel for her in years.

She was wearing a shirt that hung long enough to nearly eclipse her tiny shorts and cowboy boots that seemed a colourful contrast to her pink hair.  Aurora is a curious mixture of brash and vulnerable; she rarely holds back when speaking to me, even if she makes herself blush with the things that come out of her mouth. She often looks at me with equal parts want and contempt and I enjoy it. The look on her face when she saw me seemed determined, though I was unsure what of just then.

We took a seat at a far table and quickly found the playful tone of conversation that we’d shared in the past. There was a hint of trepidation behind it all, but also a feeling like things had changed, become unstuck and could move forward. We were deciding to trust each other as we sat there, even if it hadn’t yet proven wise to do so. Looking across the table at one another, the tension between us felt like it’d switched from push to pull. We flirted a bit and then she rolled her eyes at me as if she didn’t yet believe that I meant it.

“This is going to be like all those other times when you get me turned on and then don’t do anything, isn’t it?”  she said, and I laughed, because we do have a long history of tension without payoff. All the buildup we had years ago was destroyed by a misunderstanding and though that was a long time ago, I didn’t feel her question was unfair.

“Want a lift to the airport?” she offered and I accepted. We agreed to meet at the friend’s apartment that I was staying at, because I needed to pack up and say goodbye to them before leaving. The we parted, we hugged goodbye and I had a feeling that she had something planned for the ride there.

She picked me up in her SUV and announced that we had a bit of time to kill, asking me where to go. I knew she already had a plan so I put the decision on her and we headed to her apartment. There really wasn’t much extra time before my flight, but I agreed to it, wanting to see how things would play out.

We pulled up in front of her apartment and sat inside the car for a moment when she told me we didn’t have time for games today and invited me inside. She was forward and also uncertain and I hadn’t decided myself just then how far I was willing to let things go.

She seemed nervous and a bit out of sorts as she led me inside, apologizing for the mess. She kicked off her boots and walked across the floor in mismatched socks, her shirt nearly hiding her tiny shorts and giving the impression that she’d already started to undress. She stopped in the middle of the room and faced me; I put my arms around her and all those times we almost kissed but didn’t were behind us.



It’d been some time since Harper and I had last spoken. I’d asked her to meet me and she’d said she wanted to speak to Laila first just to be certain that it was alright;  for one reason or another enough time had passed since that was supposed to happen that it sort of became awkward that we hadn’t spoken about it again. Saturday night she wrote to me and after apologies on both sides for being remiss, I asked her if she’d like to meet me so we made plans for the following day. She sent me a text early in the morning and we agreed to meet at noon to grab iced coffee and go for a walk together. The walk from the coffee shop to the park gave us time to talk a bit and we fell easily into a rhythm with one another as we looked for a quiet place to sit and continue the conversation.

It was a warm day and we found a place in the shade, laying down in the grass next to one another. I watched bee’s circle flowers nearby as we talked about books, feminism, sex and sci-fi.  Deep green blades poked up next to her pale skin and when she rolled over on to her stomach to look at me, I noticed the shape and style of her glasses and then the pretty eyes behind them. She said the name of an author out loud as she gave me a recommendation on something that I might like to read and I made a mental note of the title The Dispossessed to look up later.

Harper is someone who I find interesting in a number of ways, her intellect and perspective being high on the list of reasons why. Her candor about sexuality and the way she expressed the freedom of choice and communication in polyamory also made an impression on me. The reason that I asked her for book recommendations is because I felt certain that she’d give me suggestions that I was unlikely to have come across on my own and she did not disappoint.

Laila is seeing Daniel, who is seeing Harper. Harper and I talked about moments that we have in common via the people we are seeing, as seen from opposite sides of the same situation. It was nice to be able to have another person to relate to about some of the challenging things that can come along with polyamory and at the same time be able to celebrate with them the better parts of what it’s brought into our lives.

People streamed past us on their way into the park as we asked each other questions while laying languidly in the Sunday afternoon sun. Harper moved down the hill just a bit, chasing the sun as the shadow from the tree behind us grew longer. We turned up toward the sky and I watched as the few clouds that dotted the otherwise clear sky floated by in no real hurry to get anywhere. I looked over at her and I thought to myself that she seemed like she’d slipped out of time; she felt strangely like she was from the past and the future all at once. There is something about her profile that makes me think of the 1920’s, but I can’t seem to put my finger on exactly what it is about her. Her way of thinking though, is anything but old-fashioned.

We left the park in the early afternoon and went out in search of food. Sitting across from each other in a tiny restaurant, we ate empanadas and talked about music. She assured me that her taste in music wasn’t cool, but I knew lyrics to songs from almost every band she mentioned so I’m inclined to disagree with her. She is a bit of a mystery to me despite the things we have in common and I like that she isn’t an easy read. I sat across from her, appreciating her company as the conversation returned to poly relationships and the people that we share in common. The time passed quickly and before I knew it, it was time to go.

When we’d finished I walked with her back to where she’d left her bike and said goodbye there, wandering off into the city by myself in search of something new for my apartment. With an orchid in hand, I headed home, thinking about the conversations that we’d had and looking forward to more of them.

Take Care

Saturday night I had plans with Laila. We were to meet after she spent the day with her father and his girlfriend, who were in from out of town. Polyamory created a strange situation in that they would spend the night at Laila and Daniels apartment (sleeping together in his room), unaware that she’s seeing multiple people. She apologized for not introducing them while they were in town, but I understood her reasons why. Still though, it felt a little strange not to meet them and I was a tad bit jealous.

I spent the day instead talking Arianna, who is someone new that I met via a dating app.  It’s a new one that I decided to give a try, where women are the first to speak if there is a match. She was my first match and she messaged me almost immediately, starting a conversation that flowed easily over the previous few days.  We exchanged numbers and texted about bad movies so I asked her if she would go see one on Sunday and she agreed.

Arianna is ‘age appropriate’, which is one of Veronica’s more amusing judgements of suitability, because we’ve both dated people who were, perhaps, too young for us. When either of us is seeing someone who is close in age, we congratulate the other with that phrase.

Arianna and I have both lived in New York and New Orleans and spent extended time in Paris, so we had plenty to talk about and a lot in common. We also strangely lived in those places at the same time making this the third. ‘Our twice missed connection’ is how she put it.

I fell asleep on the couch Saturday night waiting for Laila and woke up not feeling all that great. The fact that I napped should have been a warning sign that something was amiss, especially when coupled with the possibility of Laila being exposed to a hit-and-miss strain of strep throat. Even though I was under the weather (and not much fun) She decided to stay the night.  We laid on the couch watching a movie together as she ran her fingers back and forth over the freshly shaved side of my head. I laid my head in her lap and faded in and out as she played with my hair, the movie becoming white noise in my hazy stare of mind.

She came to bed with me and stayed close, fretting over me as I tossed and turned my way through a fever and chills. The next morning she went out and got croissant and fresh fruit for breakfast and got all the things to make a lemon tea that she knows is good for the throat. It was very sweet of her and I appreciated the lengths that she was going to in order to take care of me. It’s rare that I’ve had that in my life and honestly I’m not always comfortable with it. I’m a particularly willful creature and it certainly says something about my feelings for a person if I’m willing to let them do things for me.

Laila stayed with me most of Sunday, curled up next to me on the couch offering to do things for me as I let the day slip away. I was a little sad to have to text Arianna and tell her I couldn’t make it to the movies with her, but luckily she was understanding and was willing to reschedule. Laila put another movie on and I slept on and off, one hand holding her foot. I opened my eyes once or twice and saw the sun glowing in the reflection of the building across the street, marking in my mind the hours that had passed and how many remained in the day.

When it was time for her to go, I walked her to the door and hugged her goodbye.

“I can tell you aren’t feeling well, because that was the gentlest hug you ever gave me!” she said, referring to the fact that I typically hug like I mean it.

She waved as she rounded the corner and I poked my head out of the door to catch the last glimpse of her as she slipped out of sight. Stepping back inside I closed the door gently, turning the lock as I thought about everything that she’d done for me.  Back on the couch, I wrapped my arms around one of the pillows and I drifted feverishly off to sleep again.

Poly Dating

It was my first venture into dating while openly seeing someone and I was a little reluctant to go, if I’m being honest. I’d half talked myself out of it because I wasn’t sure that Riley and I were looking for the right thing or in the right places in our respective lives. I also wasn’t sure about how my history in adult entertainment would really be received even though I’d disclosed it before we met. Madison and I discussed the pro’s and con’s as she gave me a lift home. Riley had plans later in the evening to go to a dance class giving me an easy out if it didn’t go well and when Madison put that into perspective, I made up my mind to go. I’m grateful to her for that talk, because as it turns out, it was a really great night.

I stood out in front of the restaurant waiting for her to arrive, having taken less time there than I anticipated to walk there from my apartment. I watched people walking by as I looked for her, scanning faces for the one that looked like the photo’s that I’d seen of her online. She was wearing the blue and white dress that she told me to look for and that’s what I noticed first; the floral print that made me think of a cool breeze on a warm summer day.  I noticed her bare, sun tanned shoulders as she spun on the spot to face me and when she did I noticed that her eyes were kind and her smile was really lovely as they both lit up in a hello.

We exchanged two kisses (one on each cheek) and a small hug before going inside. She was warm and smiled a lot and I really liked the eye contact that she made. She turned to go into the restaurant and I followed her down the set of steps into the small, brightly lit room. We were a little early and had the place almost to ourselves when we sat down. We leafed through the menu together speaking but we weren’t really paying much attention to it, too distracted by conversation to make choices. The waitress circled us for half an hour and when we finally did decide, she ordered desert for dinner.  It made me smile and trust her more somehow (maybe because she’s a nutritionist but not a masochist).

We spoke candidly about life, love and relationships (both open and not) as we ate, often echoing the same sentiment and finishing each others sentences. I was sort of in awe of her as she reached across the table and unabashedly set to work on what I hadn’t finished when the waitress asked if I could take my plate away.

“I was a little worried before we met that we might not get along. You seem so strong-willed in your profile but you are much more…gentle.. in person” she said.

I had to admit that my desire to make my line of work perfectly clear probably came off a little ‘take it or leave it’, but I also didn’t want to waste anyone’s time, including my own.

I told her about Laila and he told me about her many years of an open marriage which were coming to an amicable end. I was surprised to hear about it, given something that she’d said on OKC about not wanting an open relationship right now. She explained that it wasn’t something she was necessarily interested in pursuing anew because eventually she would be looking for the person to spend her life with. For the moment though, she was seeing other people too. We talked about the relationships she’d had along the way and the ones that I’d had that led me to this point.

I described the moving situation from a few weekends before, including the joke Laila made in referring to us as her ‘harem of movers‘, because almost everyone helping was connected to her in one way or another.  I’d told Riley that I’d met a number of the other people Laila was seeing that day and that I’d really liked them all. Her eyes narrowed just a little bit and she smiled at me over the glass of water she held in her hands.

“She must be very pretty” she said.

When she brought up my work in adult, she asked me rather bluntly about the details of my time performing. Her questions revolved mostly around monogamy and how that was negotiated if I was in front of the camera; I gave her every detail without thinking twice and I really liked that she wasn’t afraid to ask or of the answers.

The restaurant grew louder and the girls that they seated next to us were determined to speak over every noise in the place, so we sat quietly for a moment and looked at one another. I noticed again how great her eye contact was and was just about to say it aloud when she complimented me on the same.

We sat in that tiny space for the better part of two hours, talking about life’s adventures and misadventures. We decided to use the time left to go for a walk for a change of scenery and because it was a really beautiful night out. The last light of the sun was still just barely visible in the sky as we headed out into the street to walk and talk some more. There were lights in the trees and people around us all seemed to be happy to be out on such a perfect night.

“So given your line of work…you’ve probably seen and maybe done some interesting things” she said as we walked.

“How do you mean?” I asked, having an idea but wanting to know for certain what she was asking rather than assume and divulge.

She asked me the questions she’d been reluctant to while elbow-to-elbow in a room of strangers and I answered her honestly and without hesitation. I’m not sure when the last time someone asked me so many questions about work with such a genuine interest rather than morbid curiosity.

The very nature of my work on film led to subjects of kink and fetishes and she started to inquire about those that I had personally. I felt that she’d been waiting to ask me these things after seeing some things in my profile and she hesitated when asking certain questions, struggling to inquire without giving too much away. She blushed a bit as my explanations went from abstract to using her as the example but she urged me to continue, feigning a lack of imagination capable of being able to picture what it would be like to be invited to my apartment to be tied up. The way she blushed made me happy to fill in the details and it seemed obvious to us both that we weren’t talking about ‘if’, but rather ‘when’.

I told her about the things I’d say to her before she every even got to my apartment, including how I’d want her to dress and why. When she arrived, I’d have her open the unlocked door and let herself in,  turning around to face the wall with her wrists behind her back. She wouldn’t see me coming but she would hear my footsteps and feel the rope around her wrists…

“And then?” she asked, but I wouldn’t answer, telling her that she would have to find out for herself if she really wanted to know.

Even in the fading light I could see her blushing and I told her that I liked it. When we started off the evening she’d been leading the conversation and I’d let her. Things were very different just then though and she was firmly outside of her normal comfort zone, which was clearly thrilling to her.

“What are you thinking right now?” I asked, turning the questions she’d asked me repeatedly over the course of the night back on her.

“I’m wondering what day I could be at your apartment” she said, hesitating before adding “but not tonight”.  I was sort of glad that she had because it meant that we were both looking forward to something and it wasn’t just an impulse.



Since Laila mentioned her surprise with how I’ve taken to poly dating, I’ve given it a good deal of thought. As being more monogamy minded, this is definitely a change of pace for me and my embracing of it has even caught me off guard a little bit.

There are parts of being in an open relationship that I am appreciative of most immediately, such as the honesty and the genuine happiness for one another when one of us finds something or someone who makes us happy. It’s new to me to be happy when considering the person that I’m with another person, but seeing the way that Laila appreciates Thomas and the growth in her life that she’s experienced because of him, I can’t help but feel anything but. I’m a little sad for her actually, that he’s moved away.

My last relationship was filled with so many secrets, so many walls, so many things that we weren’t supposed to talk about and this is completely the opposite of that. Perhaps that’s the biggest reason I’ve embraced this; because I want something different.

I still catch flashes of my ex in my life now and again; sometimes it makes me angry, but most of the time it just makes me sad. It just reminds me of all the strange boundaries that we had and continue to have between us. I honestly don’t know what to make of it most days, but I shouldn’t be surprised given the intense boundaries that existed when we were together. I still care about her deeply and I wish we could be supportive of each other while we find what comes next for each of us; instead we have games and more limits and more boundaries.

I waited a year and a half while living in wait for her to divorce her husband and it took a toll on me because we weren’t supposed to talk about it but she still wanted to have him in her life. It wore me down and I felt like my life with her wasn’t really fully under way because she was still attached and I wasn’t supposed to talk about how or when that would change. Decisions in my life were affected by it, but the only time it ever came up was during arguments and while I share some blame in that too, I don’t ever want to live that way again.

I’m seeing someone now that really wants to share their life with me and genuinely wants me to be happy above all else, no matter what that means: I want the same for her too. Jealousy doesn’t get in the way or snowball into resentment and we aren’t keeping score. For the first time in ages I really feel like I can talk to the person I’m seeing openly about whatever feelings we are having and we can stop most problems before they even get off the ground.  We don’t really have secrets; just things we haven’t gotten around to sharing yet.

This is still new to me and I know that I am studying this under a very optimistic light. I fully expect to hit bumps in the road, but at least I feel like I can see what direction the road heads in and I’m excited for the things that I’ll discover along the way.



We sat in the park early this afternoon and it felt like fall, even though summer has really only just begun. The sky was a little grey and the wind carried the smell of something sweet being fried not far away.  It reminded me of a day in Amsterdam and I closed my eyes thinking about the ferris wheel in Dam Square and the booth next to it that sold churro and stroopwafel. When I opened them Laila was looking at me from the wooden bench, smiling the little knowing smile that’s my favorite of hers. She told me about her adventures from the night before, tracing her steps from the time we parted ways in the early evening to when she came back this afternoon. My night had been quiet after she left so I let her do the talking and I listened.

I had a moment of perfect contentedness yesterday evening while spending time with Laila and Harper. We’d gone to the pool, staying until it started to rain and then went back to mine to have another drink and order something to eat.  We talked about work in the adult industry and I told them both a little about the time I’ve spent in it. We put on a bit of mindless television and Laila and I laid on the couch, cuddling while watching. Harper curled up like a cat next to us and fell asleep, hard and fast.

I looked at them both and thought about how strange and perfectly comfortable the situation was all at the same time. I liked having them in my apartment and I took notice of how different the space felt with them in it. I lowered the volume on the television and so that I could hear the light fall of rain outside as the two of them dozed. Pressing my lips to the top of Laila’s head, I could smell the day’s sun in her hair. There was a calm in the room in that moment and I appreciated everything about it.

Earlier in the day, Laila and I had a talk about the how and when she might leave the city. She’s planning on taking courses in another city and she’ll be staying with another person that she’s in a relationship with while she’s there.

“I keep thinking about just leaving” she said, expressing how untethered and impatient she feels being between stages of her life. I’ve been there before myself and know the feeling and it’s frustrations well. She had a fire in her eyes when she spoke about it and I know she’ll be going sooner or later, but truth be told I hope I have a little more time before she goes.

We left the park and walked for a little while, sipping coffee and talking about the night to come. She has plans to see Thomas tonight, who’s leaving town soon and I was happy that she was getting to spend real time with him before he goes. She asked me what I had planned and when I told her that I might ask Harper if she’d meet me someplace for a drink if that was ok with her; she smiled, telling me she thought it was a great idea, so maybe I will.

I kissed her goodbye on the corner of the street and wrapped my arms around her. She smiled at me as she crossed the street and headed for the train. I walked backwards for half a block, watching her go, before turning to face the rest of my day.