Ryan St. Germain

Tag Archive: breaking up


The days are getting shorter now and the nights longer. It’s dark when I get up for work in the morning and there’s hardly a trace of the sun left in the sky when I get home. It’s getting too cold for the jacket that I wear, but I’m not ready to give it up because I love it and it fits me like a glove. The wind comes along and I turn in on myself and I like the struggle against the cold.

I said goodbye this week to Laila, who is on adventures of her own on the west coast. I said goodbye to Aurora too. The seasons have changed and summer is gone and with it the days of loving from a distance. It felt heavy to let them go, but it was the right thing to do for them and for myself. I know who I am and it’s not someone who can love part time from afar. I know who they are too and I’ve no expectation of flowers blooming out of season.

Veronica and I went on a little road trip today, leaving work early together. We drove far outside of the city talking about sex and love and how removed the golden fields that we passed felt from the part of the city we live in. I snapped pictures of pink leaves against grey skies and I had no doubt that summer was over. I hugged her goodbye before I slid out of her car and into the rain. Cars were lined up, stopped in traffic at the corner near my apartment and I looked at our her though my own reflection in the glass for half a moment after the door closed between us. I crossed the street behind her and her car hadn’t moved when I looked back over my shoulder.

I took the elevator up the handful of floors and glanced out of the window just outside of it when the doors opened. The sky was dark, the sun having gone, but stretched out below me lights flickered and glowed for as far as I could see. Autumn isn’t a day on a calendar to me, it’s a feeling like the one that I had today. It’s rain against the windows, leaves falling from the trees and the appreciation for the light of day when you realize it doesn’t linger for nearly as long any more. Seasons change and summer is over, but I always knew that it wouldn’t last forever.


Since Laila mentioned her surprise with how I’ve taken to poly dating, I’ve given it a good deal of thought. As being more monogamy minded, this is definitely a change of pace for me and my embracing of it has even caught me off guard a little bit.

There are parts of being in an open relationship that I am appreciative of most immediately, such as the honesty and the genuine happiness for one another when one of us finds something or someone who makes us happy. It’s new to me to be happy when considering the person that I’m with another person, but seeing the way that Laila appreciates Thomas and the growth in her life that she’s experienced because of him, I can’t help but feel anything but. I’m a little sad for her actually, that he’s moved away.

My last relationship was filled with so many secrets, so many walls, so many things that we weren’t supposed to talk about and this is completely the opposite of that. Perhaps that’s the biggest reason I’ve embraced this; because I want something different.

I still catch flashes of my ex in my life now and again; sometimes it makes me angry, but most of the time it just makes me sad. It just reminds me of all the strange boundaries that we had and continue to have between us. I honestly don’t know what to make of it most days, but I shouldn’t be surprised given the intense boundaries that existed when we were together. I still care about her deeply and I wish we could be supportive of each other while we find what comes next for each of us; instead we have games and more limits and more boundaries.

I waited a year and a half while living in wait for her to divorce her husband and it took a toll on me because we weren’t supposed to talk about it but she still wanted to have him in her life. It wore me down and I felt like my life with her wasn’t really fully under way because she was still attached and I wasn’t supposed to talk about how or when that would change. Decisions in my life were affected by it, but the only time it ever came up was during arguments and while I share some blame in that too, I don’t ever want to live that way again.

I’m seeing someone now that really wants to share their life with me and genuinely wants me to be happy above all else, no matter what that means: I want the same for her too. Jealousy doesn’t get in the way or snowball into resentment and we aren’t keeping score. For the first time in ages I really feel like I can talk to the person I’m seeing openly about whatever feelings we are having and we can stop most problems before they even get off the ground.  We don’t really have secrets; just things we haven’t gotten around to sharing yet.

This is still new to me and I know that I am studying this under a very optimistic light. I fully expect to hit bumps in the road, but at least I feel like I can see what direction the road heads in and I’m excited for the things that I’ll discover along the way.


Turning Points

Madison and I sat together having Sunday brunch, talking about work, about the end of my last relationship and what’s happening in my life now. She’s been a good friend to me, listening when I needed it and when she offered the distraction of meeting at a mutual friends place for brunch, I was happy to take it. She asked me what I’d been doing to keep myself busy over the weekend and I told her.

“So do you mean friend or friend“, she asked, eyeing me sideways.

I’d had someone spend the night and it was really nice having company but it had also brought about a sense of guilt, which was quite unreasonable given that I’m no longer with Emily.

We’d spent the late afternoon in the park, where I sat and taught her a little bit about playing poker after we’d picked up a deck of cards. I shuffled the deck, noticing how the sun made her fair hair glow and her pale eyes sparkle. Her skin was sun kissed and her smile was full of warmth and kindness and when she aimed it at me, it made me feel alive. We parted ways after a few hands, but she came around to mine later in the evening and I made a simple dinner for us. We ate in one of the empty rooms of my apartment, laughing about the absurdity of it and it was a much needed escape from the sadness and fog that had been clouding my brain. We sat on the balcony, trading stories about life, love and loss as the light disappeared behind the rooftops across the street. We had a moment sitting out there in the dark, neither of us wanting to break the silence. That night we fell asleep together on the couch watching ‘Firefly’ and that too was nice, but it also left me with the misguided feeling that perhaps I was doing something wrong.


Catching up (pt.2)

I thought long and hard about the reasons that Mina and I split up and we talked through a lot of them, but they still lingered. Some of the most serious issues she apologized for before we parted ways in Las Vegas, but that didn’t convince me that they wouldn’t happen all over again. The night she left Las Vegas she said “I screwed up the best thing that ever happened to me”, adding a promise that she was going to figure out how to make it all right. I wasn’t sure if that was even possible, but I didn’t have it in me just then to say otherwise.

I spent my last few days in Las Vegas alone, packing and cleaning up the last bits of our life together while she went on to Texas. I spent a lot of time working with Selena, who seemed certain that Mina and I would figure it all out eventually, but I wasn’t so sure.

I considered the idea of what it meant to be single again, but I didn’t really embrace it. Perhaps I wasn’t ready for it or perhaps my heart was still with Mina, but whatever the reason, I turned down offers to spend time with some people because I didn’t want to give anyone the impression that no longer being in a relationship was the same as being available. It also seemed to me after my breakup with Mina that dating anyone that wasn’t in my industry wouldn’t be a good idea, and work was a better distraction anyhow.