Ryan St. Germain

Tag Archive: aurora

Histoire d’Amour

I spent the summer loving openly and honestly, trying for the first time to love and be loved by more than one person at a time. I realized that my relationship with Emily left me jaded about the notion of monogamy and I turned to something else entirely in hopes of not repeating the same mistakes. Polyamory was something I’d toyed with the notion of in the past, but I learned a lot about myself in the process and confirmed a thing or two about myself in pursuit of it this summer.

I have a new appreciation for some aspects of polyamory, but the biggest thing that I learned this summer is that it isn’t for me. Maybe I’m a bit old-fashioned in this regard, but I would rather hold out for that one person that I’ll be able to spend the rest of my life with and share everything with than to share pieces of myself with different people. I’m grateful for the time I spent with Laila and Aurora and I see the ways in which polyamory suits them, but I could see the outlying boundaries of our relationships and I wanted more than what was possible with them non-monogamously and from a distance. The moment of confirmation of this for me, was the day my grandmother had a heart attack and I had to leave for the weekend unexpectedly to go see her I couldn’t get ahold of either of them; they were both on dates with new people, which there was nothing wrong with, but I could never get the notion out of my head after that either of them was more than a friend that I happened to sleep with when we are in the same city at the same time.

The conversation in the car made me realize I’m not looking for friends with benefits either. I want something real, something lasting, something in the here and now that I can look forward to growing as it unfolds. I don’t know how to love part-time. I don’t know how to love in pockets or corners or between the lines. I almost envy those that can, but it isn’t me and it won’t ever be. I know myself, perhaps now better than ever, having tried something that I’d always wondered about and confirming what I knew to be true about myself. I can say with confidence that an open relationship isn’t what I want. I want one love; big and bold and occasionally messy, but above all, true.

Seasons

The days are getting shorter now and the nights longer. It’s dark when I get up for work in the morning and there’s hardly a trace of the sun left in the sky when I get home. It’s getting too cold for the jacket that I wear, but I’m not ready to give it up because I love it and it fits me like a glove. The wind comes along and I turn in on myself and I like the struggle against the cold.

I said goodbye this week to Laila, who is on adventures of her own on the west coast. I said goodbye to Aurora too. The seasons have changed and summer is gone and with it the days of loving from a distance. It felt heavy to let them go, but it was the right thing to do for them and for myself. I know who I am and it’s not someone who can love part time from afar. I know who they are too and I’ve no expectation of flowers blooming out of season.

Veronica and I went on a little road trip today, leaving work early together. We drove far outside of the city talking about sex and love and how removed the golden fields that we passed felt from the part of the city we live in. I snapped pictures of pink leaves against grey skies and I had no doubt that summer was over. I hugged her goodbye before I slid out of her car and into the rain. Cars were lined up, stopped in traffic at the corner near my apartment and I looked at our her though my own reflection in the glass for half a moment after the door closed between us. I crossed the street behind her and her car hadn’t moved when I looked back over my shoulder.

I took the elevator up the handful of floors and glanced out of the window just outside of it when the doors opened. The sky was dark, the sun having gone, but stretched out below me lights flickered and glowed for as far as I could see. Autumn isn’t a day on a calendar to me, it’s a feeling like the one that I had today. It’s rain against the windows, leaves falling from the trees and the appreciation for the light of day when you realize it doesn’t linger for nearly as long any more. Seasons change and summer is over, but I always knew that it wouldn’t last forever.

Des Amours d’Été

Summer seemed to resurface in September and then vanish again overnight. The unseasonably warm weather broke last weekend when fall finally arrived and I’ve been enjoying cooler evenings this week. I sat in front of the open window last night, thinking about how I’d spent the past few months and I realized that it was nothing like I might have imagined for myself. I lived my life very differently this summer than I have in the past and with the turning of the seasons I’m looking back and looking forward, gauging where I’ve been and where I’m headed next.

Aurora reappeared and is now a part of my life quite unlike anything I expected. We’ve gone from hating each other to being wary of each other to suddenly being fixtures in each others lives. I’m not sure what the future holds for us and we are both reluctant to define anything, but we are happy to be a part of each others lives again. She called on me the other day after having a mishap with another lover and I was happy to be there for her as she is for me when I’m feeling troubled. I think we’ve both surprised each other with an unexpected tenderness between us after so many years of tension.

Hannah and Harper where both gone as abruptly as they appeared in my life. Hannah I knew wouldn’t be able to live with what I do for a living, so that came as no surprise. Nor was it that the thin thread holding Daniel, Harper and I together would snap once Laila was gone. The damage was done the night of Laila’s going away and despite one last-ditch effort to fix the tension that bloomed out of it, there wasn’t enough reason for us to do anything other than say goodbye.

Laila moved away just as we were really growing close and though we’ve spoken every day since, I can feel the miles between us. We text or Skype as often as we can, but she’s off living a different life in a different place and it isn’t always easy to find the time for each other three times zones apart.

Arianna and I settled into friendship, supporting each other via text as we both have our own adventures. Neither of us was really all that ready to start seeing someone seriously when we met; she is unsure about continuing with polyamory and I’ve been seeing other people. We aren’t in the same place in our lives, but we can understand and relate to each others situations which makes for some fantastic conversations that are incredibly open and honest. We have plans to see each other this weekend and I’m looking forward to it.

There is someone else that I’ve been sort of seeing too. Someone that I’m cautiously optimistic about, but haven’t yet written a word about yet. Someone that makes sense in my life and who is beautiful and adventurous and strange in just the right way.

“I’ve got a girl for you” Veronica texted me from Greece while they were on vacation together. I was a little reluctant, but Veronica knows me so well and I trust her implicitly.  I might not have given the time of day to someone else wanting to fix me up, but I listened to her and I’m glad that I did because It’s her friend that I’ve sort of been seeing.

Veronica’s friend and I have gone on a few dates and messaged each other to share stories and pictures of our travels while we were both away. She curled up next to me and fell asleep on my couch while we watched a movie the day before she left and it felt comfortable and right.

The one cause for concern that I have with her is that while she knows what my role is presently in adult entertainment, we’ve yet to have the talk about my time performing. I’m not certain how well that will be received and I’ve gotten the impression that she might have made relationship choices before based on the connections to politics her family.  Veronica has told me to worry about it later, but I’ll be happier when it’s out in the open because I’ve been down roads like this one before.

I didn’t lose sight of myself during the course of this summer, but I’ve made an effort to be more aware of the way that I perceive and deal with many things. I needed a little distance from the recent past in order to have better perspective on myself and what I needed and wanted of others. In the year before I found myself guarding a wounded heart in a way that wasn’t good for me or those around me. I became the rock that waves break against, when all that I really wanted was the ocean.

Here I find myself in late September, thinking about the blur of summer days that are now gone. I’m waiting for the leaves to fall, watching them as they turn red and gold before the branches that they grow from let them go. I can feel a change of season coming in me too.

Fall

Aurora

Aurora came to visit over the long holiday weekend. It’d only been a few weeks before that we’d reconnected in New Orleans and she took the first opportunity that she could to come and see me.

She arrived late on a Thursday night and I took Friday off, making my three-day weekend into four so that we could spend time together. Storms were delaying flights the night she arrived and she landed late in the evening after a long day of travel. She sent me a message from the cab line to tell me that she’d be seeing me soon.

September always brings the notion that summer is over, but standing outside waiting for her cab to arrive, it felt like it hadn’t gone anywhere. Clouds hung low in the night sky, illuminated by the lights of the city and the few minutes that I waited stretched on because of the anticipation. My street was all but empty and I spotted the cab from a few blocks away when it turned the corner and headed slowly towards me. I caught a glimpse of her in the backseat through the front windshield as the car pulled over to the curb and let her out.

I took her bags for her and hugged her tightly before we headed upstairs to my apartment. She told me about her day and I told her about mine. She showered when we were upstairs and climbed into bed with me, falling asleep on my chest even though she was fighting to stay awake just a little bit longer.

Her visit was full of interesting, vibrant moments but there was one in particular that we were both waiting for, both wanted, both needed…

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Expectation

“Inside I still feel like the 23 year old that wanted to be your fuck toy” she said, her eyes a little wild and a little lost.

We have a long often tumultuous history, Aurora and I. We’ve spent as much time being enemies as we have being friends and only in the last few years have we been able to stand to be in each others presence.

Six or seven years ago, we had a very strong attraction and Aurora first presented the idea to her boyfriend at the time that she wanted their relationship to be open and more specifically, that she had an interest in me. Admittedly at the time I wasn’t sure how I felt about polyamory and the situation imploded spectacularly when (I learned much later on) her boyfriend gave his permission to her and then told me something entirely different. I felt betrayed and misled by Aurora, particularly because her boyfriend was a friend. He gave me the impression that she’d been dishonest and I was furious with her about it. She got the impression that I’d just played a game to see if I could get her to do it and she hated me too.

New Orleans is a small place and when you have the same circle of friends, it can feel even smaller. There was a palpable tension in the air after that and we couldn’t stand to be around each other. We were all in a band together and I stopped going to performances when I knew she’d be there. When we were forced to be in the same room, the animosity was undeniable and one or the other of us would find a reason to leave as soon as possible.

A few years ago while I was visiting New Orleans, we ran into each other and agreed to meet and talk. It was then that we discovered that we might both have been mislead by the same person and that we’d wasted years loathing each other. Even then, we were both a little reluctant to believe it and we harbored some distrust that would take us until recently to let go of. There was a sense of danger in talking to her that meant we kept a respectable distance while we decided if we really could trust one another again. I didn’t always mention to her that I was coming to town on some of my previous trips to New Orleans and I only told her last-minute that I’d be there this trip, feeling that maybe it was time to really put the past behind us.

She messaged me on Facebook days before my trip and we added each other as friends there, eventually trading phone numbers so we could text instead. She offered me a lift from the airport, but I declined, not sure I was be ready to see her and wanting to get acclimated to being back in New Orleans for at least a few days before I did. It wasn’t until the day before I supposed to leave that we finally made plans to see one another and even then I wasn’t sure entirely what to expect.

We agreed to meet for lunch at a Mediterranean place on Frenchman street and I took something of a farewell walk through the French Quarter on my way to see her. It was hot outside, even with the overcast skies, and I could smell the rain looming somewhere in the distance. I hadn’t seen her in almost two years when I spotted her through the window, standing close to the door. Her hair was shorter than when I’d seen her last and it has vibrant pink streaks in it now. Being face to face to her the familiar feeling of danger crept up on me but it was accompanied by fascination, which I hadn’t let myself feel for her in years.

She was wearing a shirt that hung long enough to nearly eclipse her tiny shorts and cowboy boots that seemed a colourful contrast to her pink hair.  Aurora is a curious mixture of brash and vulnerable; she rarely holds back when speaking to me, even if she makes herself blush with the things that come out of her mouth. She often looks at me with equal parts want and contempt and I enjoy it. The look on her face when she saw me seemed determined, though I was unsure what of just then.

We took a seat at a far table and quickly found the playful tone of conversation that we’d shared in the past. There was a hint of trepidation behind it all, but also a feeling like things had changed, become unstuck and could move forward. We were deciding to trust each other as we sat there, even if it hadn’t yet proven wise to do so. Looking across the table at one another, the tension between us felt like it’d switched from push to pull. We flirted a bit and then she rolled her eyes at me as if she didn’t yet believe that I meant it.

“This is going to be like all those other times when you get me turned on and then don’t do anything, isn’t it?”  she said, and I laughed, because we do have a long history of tension without payoff. All the buildup we had years ago was destroyed by a misunderstanding and though that was a long time ago, I didn’t feel her question was unfair.

“Want a lift to the airport?” she offered and I accepted. We agreed to meet at the friend’s apartment that I was staying at, because I needed to pack up and say goodbye to them before leaving. The we parted, we hugged goodbye and I had a feeling that she had something planned for the ride there.

She picked me up in her SUV and announced that we had a bit of time to kill, asking me where to go. I knew she already had a plan so I put the decision on her and we headed to her apartment. There really wasn’t much extra time before my flight, but I agreed to it, wanting to see how things would play out.

We pulled up in front of her apartment and sat inside the car for a moment when she told me we didn’t have time for games today and invited me inside. She was forward and also uncertain and I hadn’t decided myself just then how far I was willing to let things go.

She seemed nervous and a bit out of sorts as she led me inside, apologizing for the mess. She kicked off her boots and walked across the floor in mismatched socks, her shirt nearly hiding her tiny shorts and giving the impression that she’d already started to undress. She stopped in the middle of the room and faced me; I put my arms around her and all those times we almost kissed but didn’t were behind us.

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