Ryan St. Germain

Monthly Archive: June 2016


“This is sort of an unusual situation” Daniel said quietly to me as both of us leaned on either side of the hallway. We smiled at each other and I agreed, but assured him I was ok with it. A few feet away the girls chatted together and I looked at them side by side, both of them beautiful in different ways.

I’ve been seeing Laila and that day I’d helped her move into the apartment of Daniel, who she is also seeing. Daniels’s girlfriend Harper helped us as well, as did her mother. I’d never met Daniel or Harper before, or Thomas for that matter.  Laila also see’s Thomas from time to time and he’s letting her store some things at his place for a little while. It was a moving day for both Harper and Laila and sort of an opportune moment for me to meet all the people Laila is involved with.

Harper’s mom had her assumptions about the relationship between Laila and I, giving me a lot of advice about what ‘we’ needed to do. I saw a little flicker of worry and then relief on Harper’s face as I played along. She doesn’t know of course and it was best to let her think what she wanted because she might have questions about Laila moving in with her daughter’s boyfriend otherwise.

Harper said my name aloud as I came down the stairs,  knowing it without having heard it out loud. Daniel and Thomas did the same; everyone knew who I was already and now I had faces to match the names and stories I’d collected from Laila along the way. There was an almost instant familiarity with each of them, all of us knowing about the others. Laila spent the night before with Daniel, the night before that with me.

When we were finished taking things inside at Thomas’ house, I offered to run to the store across the street and grab some water. Harper said she would come too and then said ‘assuming you don’t mind the company’, which I’d actually been hoping for. We’d chatted in the van, but with the present company it could only go so far and to have a moment alone with her was nice.

“So I understand that you work with some mutual friends? What is it that you do exactly…are you a director?” she asked, not quite sure how much to let on that she knows. Her smile came and went and then was back again.

“Do you mean as in producing content? No, not any more. I used to and I write now, but what I shoot is just for me. I sort of like it better that way.” I said and she smiled at that too. I found out later I’d seen photographs of and read a story by her before, but hadn’t put it into context. I also found out that she’d seen pictures of a mutual friend that I’d taken.

We wandered around the little store together orbiting each other trough the isles. She picked up some snacks and told me about her apartment, which she’d just moved into that morning and had been kind enough to offer the use of her van afterwords to Laila. She picked through snacks, considered ice cream and put it down and then circled back for it before paying. I liked her smile and the way the shape of her glasses framed her pretty eyes.


Dominance & Submission

I’m in a mood today and only rope will do. I curated a playlist for that purpose: songs to tie to, songs for the wanting, songs for the getting. Some songs for her, some songs for me. Songs for the pain, songs for the release. Music that will bring us together as I wind the rope around her and cinch it tight. The music played loudly in the background as I ran through the things I want to do to her in my mind.

I’ve spent the last few months really looking at who I am and the things that I want and I’ve only become more certain in my resolve that there are some needs that I have that will never go away. The need to dominate, the need to tie, the need to feel that connection between a submissive and myself as we both take and we both give; these are things that I cannot do without.

The sort of dominant that I am is evolving, changing and is influenced by the submissive that I am with, but as I closed my eyes and listened to the music I felt a certainty that there isn’t a life for me without dominance and submission.


“What is your style of flirting like?”, I asked Veronica as we laid out under the sun.

“What do you mean?” she asked, smiling shyly.

Veronica is a very confident woman and we’d been talking about my flirting with someone else, so I was very curious about her and how she let someone know she’s interested. It’s unusual for her to be bashful, which just made me all the more curious.

“I think it just sort of comes out naturally in me most of the time, though sometimes I’ll get a bit sarcastic and give a guy a hard time.”

“You like the push and pull? I can see that.” I answered and I definitely could.

“I’m very different in a relationship though. I can come off as a bit of a hard ass, but really when I’m in it, I want a guy to hold the door for me and I’ll curl up into a little ball when I cuddle. Ask my ex’s who really know me and they’d tell you how different I am” she said and I could see that too.

She and I work together and we’ve been friends for some time now. We know each others secrets, even some of the deeper, darker ones. Every now and then the tone of our conversations borders on flirtatious, but we’ve kept that in check as we wouldn’t want to risk ruining anything. We live nearer to each other now that I’ve moved and she gave me places in the neighborhood to go by myself as well as places to take the girl I’ve been seeing. She asked me a bit about polyamory too, so I told her how that was unfolding.

“On Sunday I’ll help her move into her boyfriends place. His other girlfriend will be helping too. She joked about having her harem in one place” I told her.

“Good for her!” she said and thought about it for a moment.”Do you ever find it strange?”

“It’s pretty new, but so far it works.”

We finished the bottle of champagne and went our separate ways, but I feel closer to Veronica after this afternoon and I’m happy to have her as a friend.

Upon Waking

We woke early in the morning at the first glimpse of the sun, though I can’t really tell you why we both happened to wake. We found ourselves looking into each others eyes in the early morning light after having only fallen asleep a few hours before. She smiled at me and I kissed her forehead and then her lips and in that dreamy state it started.

She knelt on the bed in front of me, facing away, touching herself as I knelt behind her. The smooth skin of her back was warm against my bare chest. I could hear the change in her breathing and she swayed just a little and pressed herself into both hands.

I ran one hand down her arm and wrapped it around her waist pulling her closer. With the other, I touched myself too. Her beautiful body glimmered with hues of gold in the early morning sun and I marveled at the shape and contour of it as she leaned back into me, weightlessly resting against me as we swam in the morning light together.

“You are so fucking beautiful” she said to me,  glancing back over her shoulder,  but the truth is she’s the beautiful one.


She curled up on my couch sleepily while we waited for food to arrive.

“Tell me how I’m similar to people you’ve dated before and how I’m different” she said, less a question and more a need to know.

She tucked her feet behind me as I rubbed her legs and gave some examples.

“You are very fun-going and happy-hearted” I said, watching the corner of her mouth tun up slightly in a dreamy little smile.

“Why would you date anyone that isn’t fun-going?” she asked as she giggled a little but admittedly I couldn’t come up with a very good answer.

“Were they all manic pixie dreamgirls?” she asked.

“Is that what you think of yourself?”

“Don’t eat my food while I’m asleep” she said and then she drifted off.


She sent me a link while I was working to a track that she really liked. We trade music often and I typically love the things she sends me.

“This is fantastic” she said, and I gave it a click.

“What did you think?” she asked a bit later

“It’s dreamy and a little sad” I said, “or maybe that’s just me today”. I loved it, but it felt a little melancholy and I wasn’t in quite that mood in the moment.

“I blame the full moon :)” she said and I adored her for it.

The next track she sent me was more upbeat and perfect. I smiled, because she knew just what to do. She is really wonderful and I’ve enjoyed really getting to know her over the last few weeks. I skimmed through a few tracks and sent a song back. Something also a little sad and dreamy, but that I knew she would appreciate because it would suit her mood and I wanted to return the favor.


Life in the Gray

We sat out by the pool as the sun went down, sipping drinks from plastic glasses that were meant to hide the content since we weren’t, strictly speaking, allowed to be drinking on the pool deck. She was wearing my sunglasses and I could tell she’d been out in the sun the last few days by the color on her cheeks and the light streaks in her hair.

We talked about plans for the coming weekend and the pseudo-date I’d gone on the night before with Mia, which hadn’t gone as I’d hoped. This is a strange situation that I’m in now; talking about a date with a woman that I’m currently seeing. Polyamory isn’t a lifestyle that I’ve ever sought out, but it’s been all around me and I’m giving it an honest effort this time around.

When we first discussed the pro’s and cons of seeing each other,  we discussed at length the possible issues that poly could cause, including what might happen if my ex somehow miraculously appeared and we decided that the time we spend together is too good to let any of it slip away over what might or might not happen tomorrow. She said something to me then that stuck with me and here we are now.

“We life in the gray. We never live life in the black or white.”


I was very happy that it rained all day: it suited my mood. I packed and cleaned, emptying my apartment of the things I won’t be taking with me. Inevitably there were things left behind that belonged to Emily and as I came across them, I put them in a box to be picked up later. I wiped down the cupboards and noticed that one of them still smells like her collection of favorite teas, even though it’s been months since there was any on the shelves.

I brought the plant in from outside that had been forgotten here; I’ve been tending to it and it’s just started to bloom. The rain was too heavy and I didn’t want it to drown after lasting this long. The first flowers are starting to open and the smell of cape jasmine in the front room gave me some half-remembrance of a forgotten sunny day in the past.

The rain fell on the window sill in a gentle steady tap, tap, tapping. It hit the leaves of the trees outside and sloshed against the tires of cars and bikes that made their way down my street. I taped up boxes and listened to it as I made every effort to think about the future instead of the past.

All afternoon M. and I traded messages about life’s turns and  the places we’d been in the time we’d known each other. I went over the examples sent to me by L. for the shoot that she and I plan to do, perhaps when we see each other again this week. I appreciate the part that both of them play in my life right now and their messages keep me balanced between dreaming and grounded. I moved things from one room to the next until I’d felt that I’d accomplished enough for one day and I gathered up the bags that I planned to get rid of and hauled them down the steps.

I pulled off my shirt on the way back up because it started to cling to me; the humidity in the air and the rain that fell on me as I took bags full of yesterday to the curb made me feel like my skin needed to breathe. I wiped my face on the shirt before tossing it into the laundry. The rain was coming down harder, so I went to the back of the house to make sure rain wasn’t creeping inside. In my bedroom, I laid down on the bed and caught my breath.

I don’t sleep well, even on good days, but the rain does something to me. It was still daylight out and the smell of someone cooking dinner in one of the apartments behind mine, coupled with the rain as it fell against the wood and the glass made the afternoon suddenly hazy. I closed my eyes and felt each of these things separately and together, and I drifted off to sleep.

She came up the inner stairs of the apartment, though the door at the top was closed. I could hear her footsteps as she climbed them and I waited as she stopped, knowing she was taking her clothes off on the other side of the door as I’d told her to. I knew she was standing nervously on the other side, wondering if she should open the door or if I would; I waited for her to do it.

She stepped inside and I took a moment to look at her. She was already breathing heavily before I even touched her and when I turned her around to tie her writs together, she couldn’t help but touch me. Her bound hands slid down to my cock;  one of mine moved up to her throat and the other down between her legs.

Thunder in the distance and I was awake again for a moment. The sun was still up and the rain was still falling; my phone was bright with a list of waiting messages and a missed call. I closed my eyes again and this time I dreamt of nothing.

Shifting State

I’m moving soon, but I’m already gone. I’ve packed up most of the things that are left here and sold off as much of it as I can. I’m making a fresh start in my new place. This one is too wrapped up in the unhappiness and hasn’t ever really felt like my home. Tomorrow someone will come and take away the couch (which I never really cared for) and the living room will be nearly empty, just as the rest of the apartment is.

It’s funny though that in the last few weeks alone here, I’ve finally stretched out into rooms that I never felt comfortable in. My desk is in the room that has the most sun and the kitchen cupboards are arranged the way that I like them. It still isn’t home, but there aren’t lines drawn on the floor about where I can and cannot stand, walk, be, anymore. Don’t get me wrong; I drew some of those lines myself. We all do that in the course of a relationship. I didn’t see them clearly before but as I’ve been scrubbing them off the floor I’ve learned where they all are.

Truth be told, I’ve not had the best of luck living here and it’ll be good to say goodbye to this place because it feels haunted or cursed or just a bit wrong. It burned once a few years ago and I’ve spent my days here feeling like I can still smell the smoke. As far as I can tell, no one that’s lived in this place since has been all that happy and just like me; they’ve all been eager to leave it behind them.

There are some days of being distinctly happy though, that I will do my best to take with me.  I’ll add them in with the memories of times when I was content and remind myself that living here wasn’t always all bad. I plan on leaving my unhappiness behind me when I go and this seems like the place and the time to do so. These are the in between days of living in the past and the future at the same time, where it’s easy to forget to be present and in the moment so I am making the effort to be both.

Standing out on the balcony the other night beneath the stars, I realized that there is an ephemeral quality to everything in my life right now and I want something that I can feel the weight of in the palm of my hand when I hold it. The problem could very well be me though; maybe the reason I’m not able to feel the substance of some things is that I myself am shifting states.

The talk we had was about how even if we don’t know how we fit into each others lives, we want to be sure that we do, somehow, some way. When she wrapped her arms around me and kissed the back of my neck,  I felt solid for an instant and I knew that one way or another, we would.


In the still

We stood out on the balcony, looking up at the stars and from inside one of the apartments across the street, someone starting singing opera. The wind shook the tree branches and little lights glittered from a rooftop terrace as she came and stood behind me, wrapping her arms around me. Everything slowed down a little in that moment and there was a calm around us as we listened to that brief moment of singing that came from across the way.

We’d had a talk earlier in the evening and cleared the air about some things that were happening between us, making it easier to spend time with one another going forward. That moment standing together beneath the stars felt like the punctuation to what we’d decided and I felt a quiet in me that I hadn’t felt in some time.