She held my face in her hands, tracing my jaw line, running her fingers against the grain of my stubble as I looked into her eyes. The red glow of tail lights streaked across the back window as someone flew past the parked car we sat in. Her hands were familiar and the moment felt like it was too, though I’m not sure we’ve ever had one quite like it.
“I’m so glad you came to see me” she said, and I was glad that I had too. I looked into her soulful eyes but only for a moment, because it’s always easy for me to get lost in them if I linger too long.
When I got into her car earlier in the evening, she asked me if I had a music preference and when I told her to play what she wanted, she selected She & Him Sentimental Heart. I looked out the window paying attention to the lyrics as I sang along softly, knowing that she hadn’t chosen the song accidentally. She told me a story about seeing M. Ward open for another band we both liked years ago as her car cut through the night.
We went into a restaurant that had once been a garage and she told me a story about having her car fixed while she waited in the room we’d come in through. I was too quiet at times and I could tell she was nervous. She excused herself from the table and when she came back, she hugged me from behind and kissed the back of my neck. I liked the feel of her arms around me, and I hugged her back as best I could, closing my eyes at the feel of her lips on my skin.
We talked until we were the only ones left in the restaurant about any number of things and she reluctantly made a little confession about having watched some of the scenes that I’ve been in. She asked if it was weird and I told her it was ok, but I asked her questions and told her that from now on she had to tell me when she watched them, which scenes she watched and why.
“The why is pretty obvious, I would think” she said.
“That doesn’t mean I don’t want to hear it”.
I wanted to know what it was; me, the situations I was in, the dynamic? Was it the role that I played on film, which is very often calculated and not at all like I am in real life? She texted me the following day with an example and the reason, which put my mind at ease. That wasn’t the only reason I wanted her to tell me though, truth be told; knowing her reasons now, I like the notion of knowing when she has and the fact that she’ll tell me. I could picture where this would lead and I liked that too.
We were the only ones left in the restaurant and not wanting to keep the staff any longer, we went back to her car, where we sat and talked.
“I’m not taking advantage of you, am I?” she asked, my face still in her hands. “I know you are tired and your hearts been broken” she added and I knew she was asking for my sake and not because it changed how she felt or what she wanted.
“Can I kiss you?” she asked and I wondered how far we would let things go.